Grief

On Sunday it is father's day and it will be the third one without my dad. It is also my birthday. I never thought much about father's day or birthdays while both my parents were alive, I never thought about what it would be like after they passed away.

I feel a lot of grief on special occasions, mother's day, father's day. birthdays, christmas. I look at my kids, at the presents they have made for special people in their lives and the inevitable thoughts creep into my mind: dad would love that, mum would be so proud, I wish dad could see this, I wish mum could hear what they just said, I wish my parents were here.

I know I am not the only one to feel this, I have spoken to friends who have lost one or both of their parents. I see the statuses they put on social media and I know they feel the same as I do. My heart goes out to them you cannot know what it feels like to lose someone close to you until it happens to you.

I know that I will miss my parents a little bit more on special occasions. I know that I will wish I could call my dad on Sunday, I know that I will wish I could take my kids shopping for presents for my parents, I know this. It happens every year but every year I will wake up and the shock of the grief will wash over me. No matter how prepared I think I am, no matter how many times in the days leading up to it I remind myself, it doesn't matter. I still feel the grief and I am shocked by how much I feel it.

When my mum died, almost 11 years ago, I was told that it would get easier over time. It doesn't. It changes. It feels different over time and some anniversaries are harder than others. The first anniversaries of my parents deaths were incredibly hard, last year, on the tenth anniversary of my mum's death was extremely challenging. It is surreal to think that it has been a decade since she died, and a lot has happened in that decade. It has been years since both my parents died, my mum very suddenly and my dad after a long illness, and I still hear a song or see something on TV or Facebook and immediately want to tell my parents about it but then I remember I can't and you feel that sense of loss all over again.

Sunday will be no different than the past few years. I will miss both my parents. I will wish I could call my dad to say 'happy father's day' and I will wish I could tell them about what the kids have done for my birthday. I will miss them and take a few moments to think about them and all they did for me while growing up.

I hope all the fathers have a wonderful fathers day and to everyone who has lost their father, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to miss them.