A Letter to my Mum

Dear Mum,
Last December it had been ten years since you have been gone. Ten years. A decade. I have found myself thinking about that day in December a lot lately. I remember thinking I wasn't going to get through the first hours and days, let alone years. In the past ten years there are been incredible highs and incredible lows and not a day goes by where I don't think of you.

I was pregnant with Tinkerbell when you died, you were so excited to become an Oma. She is ten now and you would be so proud of her, she definitely has the dutch temper and loves anything to do with the dutch. I wish you were here to tell her all the stories you told me of your parents and how they came from the Netherlands, I wish you could tell her about the Netherlands and make her dutch meals, just like you did with me.

You never met Tinkerbell or the boys and I wish you had. They love hearing about their Oma and I know you would have all had many happy times, playing together and you spoiling them with ice cream and lollies. You always did love kids. You would love Tinkerbell's stubbornness and the way Pirate Monkey is so laid back and imaginative. You would love the way Mate just bursts into song randomly, with or without music and you would love the passion that is in Bubba.

I miss you every day. I miss our conversations and our nightly 7:30 pm phone call. I miss the mornings where we would have a coffee and a biscuit and talk. I miss going to the movies with you and shopping with you. I miss volunteering at animal shelters with you. You always did love animals.

You loved all animals, from spiders to elephants. You would love our dog. She is friendly and cute and playful. You would talk to any animal you came across and stop to pat them. Animals loved you and would trust you straight away, even if you were a stranger. You taught me to love animals and respect them, a lesson I have always remembered.

I was very angry at you for taking your own life, for a long time. I was 17 when you died and I needed you more than ever. How could you leave me this way? How could you do that to me? I was angry for years. I was angry when Tinkerbell was born, wishing you could meet your granddaughter. I was angry when she first slept through the night because you were the one I wanted to tell first, I was angry when she first crawled, ate her first solids and first started walking. I was angry when she had her first day of kinder and school, when she said her first words, when she asked about you because I wanted to share all of this with you. I wanted you to be able to see her do these things. I wanted her to know her Oma and have a close bond with you, just like I had with Oma. I got angry again when the boys all reached their milestones.

A few years ago I spoke to a psychologist and the anger went away. I understood you and understood why you chose to do what you did. It may not have been the right choice but finally I understood and what I felt was compassion. Compassion for what you had been through in your life, compassion for the utter despair you felt. I cried for a week straight when the anger left.

I think about you every day, I think about you multiple times a day. I think about you when the kids do something funny or cute or achieve something in their life. I think about you when I am sad or happy or angry. You were one of the few people who could calm me down when I was angry. You never judged me for choices I made or mistakes that happened. You would give me advice, I would quite often ignore it and then you would be waiting to help fix it when the time came.

I didn't show you how grateful I was to you, how I appreciated everything you did for me. I didn't tell you I loved you enough. I didn't hug you enough, I thought I had decades left to do that. I am sorry for that. I wish I told you how much you meant to me.

I wish you were there when dad died. You would have known exactly what to say throughout his illness and in death too. I know you had been divorced for many many years but I know you still cared and he did too. He came to your funeral and cried.

Mum you will be forever in my heart and I will remember you every day just as I have for the past 10 years. I love you.
Lynette